with your own penis?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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