id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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