and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
