Apparently you make a good broom.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
