My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
