Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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