I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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