just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.