I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
