There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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