I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
