Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
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