Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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