Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
