I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
