Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
