ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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