i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
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We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
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I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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