if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
