I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
