shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
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