Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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