If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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