He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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