well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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