Rock
Scissors
Fuck
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
