he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
