I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
