I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
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