I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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