1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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