I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Randomize
