oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
