And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
