what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
