if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
