His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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