if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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