seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
