His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
