He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Randomize
