upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
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