I puked a lego.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
