Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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