I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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