I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
