i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
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