Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
