today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
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