I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
