Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
