I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
