your parents love me but you hate me
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
