It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
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$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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