I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
