is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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