I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
