We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
