you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
